It’s one of those moods where you can’t quite shake the feeling of regret. You reflect so suddenly on your life and all of a sudden you just wish someone in this crazy world had already invented a time machine so that you could go back and fix every single one of your stupid mistakes. However, that is far from reality and even further out of reach of anything truly tangible. All we are is our choices and decisions that we make every single day. You can do nothing but move forward, and whether you choose too you can become a better version of yourself that you once were. I close my eyes, standing here, and I feel the cold air on my skin. I feel the memories wrap around me like a cool blanket. There’s a familiar twinge in the pit of my stomach when I think of those certain moments with people that made me the happiest. Almost as if you could open your eyes, and see the person standing right in front of you, smiling, because in that moment it’s as if there was nothing wrong in the world. You stand there, feeling full of joy, and the moment fades. I open my eyes to a dark world, with nothing but the noises of the night to greet my late night musings. I want to reach out and feel someone reaching out to me as well. I want to run and chase my ambitions and goals, knowing that if I fall, someone will be there to tell me to get back up on my feet and keep fighting. Alternatively, I want to fuel my own fire. I want to light the match that will set my passions ablaze in the darkness of the night. When it feels like everything is falling down around me I have no choice but to stay strong.
You repel anything and everything that tries to get close to you.
You feel as if you’ll hurt someone that gets in too deep.
Too close to your emotions. Too close to the truth.
Why is there so much denial? Why do we lie to ourselves? When the truth lies straight ahead and yet we find it so hard to accept what is.
It’s moments of weakness like this where all I want is to hold onto the faith that things will get better. Life will get better. You tell yourself constantly that everything will work itself out. However, the key component to life working itself out is a positive attitude and encouragement to keep going knowing that every single day is such a blessing. I mean we are only human right? Everyone is bound to make mistakes, some, more than others. However that’s what I find so beautiful about people is the compassion that we hold in our hearts. With that compassion we find the ability to forgive those that have wronged us as well as the ability to forgive ourselves. Because at the end of it all we are our biggest critics, and we will judge ourselves the absolute hardest.
There are people that don’t have time to ponder why life is the way it is, but in fact they deal with much larger hardships in their lives such as simply finding a way to survive in this world. Which, in our own way we’re all just trying to make it through one way or another. But who’s to say that it’s all for nothing? When our time on this Earth is so concise, a blink, in the span of the universe and time. We are all put here with a purpose and it’s our choice within ourselves to decide whether or not we are willing to accept the challenge, to fulfill the paths within our souls.
Sometimes late at night when I’m driving, and I’m in no hurry to get where I’m going, and I’m looking out at the expanse of black sky, decorated with stars shining down at us from hundreds of thousands of miles away, that is undeniably most grateful. I stop all the chaos in my head for a mere second, and I thank God that I’m here on this Earth able to make decisions to better not just my life, but to help better the lives of others. At the end of the day, that’s the feeling I want to maintain, and always appreciate life’s ups and downs for all their worth.